May 30th 2009

***Editors note: As this is most likely going to be a longer post, please do not feel obligated to read all or any of it. Some of you don't know the whole story, and that's another reason why I am writing, so that you can have the story from my side. However, I am posting it for my own record, and just to write, and maybe heal a little more.***

I remember being restless that morning. I was upset because it was Saturday, my day to sleep in and I had to go into work. Why was I so restless? I remember falling back to sleep and waking up at exactly 10:04am (which later I found out was the time of the car accident when you were instantly killed on impact) it felt as if the world stood still for half a second, and I remember thinking, well... that was slightly weird.

The morning went on like always, noise from upstairs, getting ready, tv on, and getting myself in order to go to work. I was scheduled to work a double that day at KOPFC as an RSA. Finally found a shirt, got myself together, and was coming up the stairs to leave. That's when the phone rang. Mom answered with the usual "hello" and there were a few brief beats of silence. She then started repeating over and over "why what is the matter? what has happened?" and finally "Yes this is his wife! Why?!" Kyle was standing at the top of the landing of stairs, Melanie eating at the counter. I remember that Kyle started crying right then and there (he never has been one to react well to anything wrong or anybody crying.) Then mom started crying. It took her a few minutes to catch her breath and tell us what had happened. "Dad's been in an accident, I"m going to the hospital." What followed is honestly all a blurr... yet I can remember every single thing, down to the very last detail.

Many tears started to be shed as well as many phone calls. On the way to the hospital I remember my mom crying and crying and crying as she kept pleading "Please don't leave me, Please don't leave me". (Later to find out that she actually felt my dads spirit leave her as we were driving to the hospital, and she knew then that he was gone.) I was beside myself. Crying as well, but I was also playing back in my mind what my mom had told me. "Trauma... Critical Condition... Life Flight..." I had recently worked as a 911 call operator and Police Dispatcher. Thinking to myself "none of those are ever good news." We arrived to the hospital and there was already a social worker waiting for us (yet another bad sign). They knew our names already. My mom asked where he was, and one of the men gave us the floor, the room number, and said "Before I let you go up there we just need to make sure of a few things..." He then proceeded to pull out my fathers wallet. My mom instantly went into a fit of hysterics and couldn't do anything. He handed me the wallet and asked I"m sure what was the question of "Could you identify that this is him?" And just for a brief moment I caught glimpse of his drivers license before my mom grabbed it and threw it down the hallway. The worst was when we got to the Trauma level in the hospital (it's level 5 btw) we were escorted into a "waiting room." The poor social worker, bless her heart. It was not fun to be told that we had to wait while multiple tests were performed before we could him.

More phone calls are made. I am absolutely incoherent. Have no idea what is going on or happening around me. I remember looking at my phone and trying to text Kristen and Ashley. The next thing I remember is my mom calling my grandma brown and her screaming through the phone.

The doctor came in. Gave us the run down. Thinking back on it, he, in a nutshell, told us right then and there that he thought there was no hope. But, being in the state we were, you continue to hold on to any ray of hope. Talked about brain damage, parlyzed, brain stems... all of the doctor stuff. My mom understood. For some reason I was very occupied with my phone...

Everybody came. We were finally let back to see him. Emotions were high. Got to the hospital room and I remember everything just freezing around me. It was as if everybody stood still for two split seconds and we all felt the same thing.... until we all broke down. My mom sobbing, holding my dads hand, My uncle scott ( my dads brother ) screaming and being upset about the teenage boy that hit my dad. Me just shaking. I remember being asked to sit down. Then Seargant Whitaker came, talked police report talk to my mom. Again, I think I was "there" but not really "there". Next thing I knew there was talk of the emergency room, and it took me a while to realize they were talking about taking ME to the emergency room. I hadn't noticed I was shaking, shallow and short of breath. I was given graham crackers and sprite (still to this day I think they were the best graham crackers every). When that didn't work, my mom was convinced I needed to go to the emergency room to get some medication to calm me down.
I went to the emergency room with my Aunt Jen. It was probably one of the quickest trips ever. I think our social worker had called down and informed them of why we would be coming. It felt like we were in and out, though i know at the same time we weren't.

Ashley came and Kristen came. I vaguely remember calling the pool a second time at some point and begging for them to let Kristen come. I remember sitting in a big waiting area with everybody and couldn't figure out why EVERYBODY was here when I knew everything would be alright. I never knew I could cry so hard and for so long as I did that day. I remember Kristen rubbing my back and just holding me doing everything in her power to make it better. (That Kissy... I think I probably owe her my first born son for everything she has done for me since we became friends back in high school...) More waiting in that huge room, and no more information. And then somehow everybody decided to leave... I don't know how I got from the big waiting room back into the smaller one and over flowing into the hall. I also don't remember Kristen leaving but all of a sudden she was there with some food and a change of clothes.

Sitting on the hallway floor. Watching everybody around me. People asking me if I was ok. Where my mom was etc.

The kids came up from the hospital with Eileen. We all went in and saw my dad as a family. Mom talked about how he looked just like he was sleeping, and that we were lucky he had no real damage done to his outsides, because he just looked like our dad. Which is true, all he had was a bruise on his one arm and he just looked.... tired. It was hard to believe he was in a hospital bed and not just "taking an afternoon nap".

I remember trying to change my into my sweats Kristen had brought me in the bathroom. She ended up knocking and coming in though, and said, "You're not allowed to cry alone in the bathroom by yourself." I lost it all over again. Bless your heart Kristen. She took me home in her car and I remember just laying with my head on her lap as we drove, her trying everything to soothe me.

My uncle Mark spent the night. As did Kristen. That's all I remember about the night... but I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew my mom was in my room and was waking me and Kristen up.

That's when I was told that my Father had passed away.

We later learned that he had been killed on impact. The force of the truck my dad was hit with made him hit his head in just the right spot to where his brain stem and spine? i think it was... came together and he was killed instantly. I thank the nurse that stopped and performed CPR, because we also later found that the police and medics knew they could declare him dead on the scene. However, since the nurse performed CPR, and since she still had hope there was sign of life, he was life flighted instead of placed into a body bag. How greatful I am to that nurse. We already found out that all of the police and medics who arrived at the scene started crying because they knew if there had been any kids in the back seat, there would literally be nothing left of them. Thankfully, by the grace of God, Melanie was sent home with my mom after the soccer game instead of with my dad.

I know we had a ton of visitors, and a ton of food. Thank you to everybody that provided that for us and that brought us much comfort.

We had the viewing. And the Reception.

Birthday came and went. Holidays have come and gone. Amazingly, I am still able to live my life.

I miss him dearly and deeply like nothing I have ever felt before. I feel as if part of my heart is missing... but other days it feels full. On the day it feels full I know he is with me. He always is, but on those days he makes it known and helps me feel it. I worry most about my mom. It is harder to lose your companion in life. Without the gospel and Eternal Families I don't know where we would be today. Or if we even would "be" today. One thing I have learned is to never take life for granted. Always make sure the ones you love know they are loved by you. So much more I have learned and gained from this tragic experience. God gives you trials. But he doesn't give you trials you cannot bear or overcome. For this I am also greatful. I long for the day where we can all be as a family again. However, I am strong. My family is strong. We keep together and make it through. Our goal is for all of us to make it back to my dad. And I know we will. My mother is an amazing women and she keeps all of us going. It doesn't mean it's not hard, because believe me it is, it just makes things a little bit easier.

I am thankful for my memories and for all of the years I was able to spend and enjoy with my Dad. I have told people this is my "dark day" like Luke on Gilmore Girls has. Where he runs off away from the world on one day a year and nobody knows where he goes. But, in light of it being a "dark day" it is also filled wiht tons of memories, and a fathers soft touch. Because they always say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I think to finish the quote I would say " you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and then you'll never forget what you had or what you are waiting for."

"Dad holds your hand for a little while, but holds your heart forever." I love him. I miss him.